A review: All about love, bell hooks
How I review books:
Top notes - a first impression. A practical summary of everything you need to know, including a completely biased view of how much I liked the cover.
Middle notes - the foundation. Readability / structure.
Base notes - the impression. Interpretation and everything else.
Top notes:
283 pages. There is a preface, introduction and thirteen chapters.
Author, bell hooks (writing name), Gloria Jean Watkins - cultural critic, feminist theorist and writer. Have a look at the bell hooks website to find out more - about bell hooks.
Publisher, William Morrow, an imprint of Harper Collins Publishers. Originally published in 2000.
Love and the colour red go hand in hand, I love the cover. There is a version of the cover which has butterflies… and I do love a butterfly...
I am based in the UK and purchased my copy from Waterstones.
Middle notes:
This ‘review’ is more my reflections which ended up being longer than anticipated. I won’t judge you if you skip to the notes on themes within the base notes section - just keep scrolling until the end.
I am going to swear in this review. If you don’t like that, I am seeking your forgiveness in advance. I have been editing my language within my writing until now. I express myself through the occasional swear word in a few languages in my life, so it is time for me to unleash that here too. Also I heard something about the use of a well placed swear word being a sign of intelligence flicks hair, if the shoe fits…
This book found me via TikTok (will there ever be a piece of writing where I don’t mention TikTok? Am I, or is it the problem here?) I will forgive the app and my screentime as this book came into my life at the perfect time, I say this in most reviews… maybe I am a book whisperer.
An easy but emotionally hard read with themed chapters. I read this book in 6 days. By the time I was done reading the spine was very creased, the corners were worn. I carried this book everywhere in my bag and it shows. I wanted it to come with me on my adventures so that I could keep reading it any chance I had (coffee shops, trains, in a bar, at dinner, at home - this book had a nice little trip around England this week).
I used a whole pack of bookmarking tabs. A whole pack. Some chapters I might as well have underlined every single sentence.
This book is a journey of discovery all about love in all forms. I have read many ‘self-help’ books, but in my quest to learn everything I can on this healing journey I have been on - I have never turned my attention to the subject of love… until now.
Reading this book will be a personal experience for you. What I go on to tell a tale of below is my experience and placing the lessons from this book into the context of my life. The audience for this book is every single one of you, no matter what your current relationship with love is. If you don’t usually read, even if you commit to reading only one book this year, make it this one - it is worth it.
To note, in this book there are some views that I don’t 100% agree with, as with the majority of books I read. I am also not religious so some of the chapters / themes focusing on that aspect did not resonate with me. But what did resonate - RESONATED.
Base notes:
I am struggling to know how to start writing about this book. We can start with the concept of LOVE AS A VERB (a word or phrase that describes an action, condition, or experience) not a noun (page 4).
I don’t want my writing to make you feel the same way as those recipes where you just want to find out how to make a lasagne but the writer is telling you about the impact that bechamel sauce had on them as a child. But with books such as this I can’t do anything other than put the words read into the context of the impact they had on me - in the hopes it convinces you to read and in case it helps you.
I am not selling this book, I am not sponsored, I am just trying to cut down time on your journey of self-discovery or healing by sharing mine. I am acting as a shortcut for you.
This is my bechamel sauce story.
To make the impact of this book make sense in the context of my life. I am only, after 2 ish years of being in a no thank you dating headspace, now ok to venture into this unknown land. The quote below summarises exactly why it took me this time to get there - I was building my self-esteem foundations without even realising that was what I was doing. My term for this work was ‘I am sick of seeking validation from others - leave me alone’ times.
“If we succeed without confronting and changing shaky foundations of low self-esteem rooted in contempt and hatred, we will falter along the way.”
Before we move onto some themed notes, I must get this onto paper - I am not getting into the patriarchy, but, one of my notes in my book after reading Chapter 3 was as follows; Who in the FUCK is the patriarchy working for? I also had many thoughts on consumerism. But this is not a place for me to rant, I will work through it in my journal.
Notes on themes
Below are five of the most impactful themes from All about love - for me and as per my interpretation. Your interpretation may be different, the impacts will be different - that is the joy of words and reading.
Theme 1 - childhood and cycles as adults
The biggest lesson I learned from this book is the impact that the examples of love you witness in childhood have on you.
I have always wondered, why in the almighty fuckery did I always end up in the relationships I did, feeling the way I did - this book confronted me with the answer, I was in a coffee shop, I wanted to cry.
Wanting to cry or not, it is nice to realise something, even if it is hard - because now you have the power to do something about it. This book will give you concepts and the author’s thoughts, you will naturally apply it to yourself and I guarantee that you will learn something about yourself and love through reflection. If you don’t understand the foundations as to why you do some of the things you do (or some of the things you put up with) it can be hard to change them.
“We try to rationalise being hurt by other adults insisting that they love us.”
Healthy examples of love extend beyond our parents and families, it also extends to the examples around us - for example those within media. When you think about this, true, healthy examples of love may be something that appear rarely in our lives.
My final note on this theme and I may get this tattooed, get a pen you may want to write this down; love and abuse cannot coexist (page 6). This applies to all our relationships, in all forms.
There are multiple elements that make up love, the author describes these throughout the book - it is enlightening. Go forth and read and see what you think, I don’t want to give too much away here.
Theme 2 - self-love
99.9% of my healing journey so far was about self-love and self-esteem. I have done a lot of this work in isolation and I was really confronted to read that self-love cannot flourish in isolation (page 54). I interpreted this sentence as being; you can only really do this, as a whole, when you do this outside of isolation = with others. Thinking about this maybe, just maybe, I could have gotten out there sooner. Some of my greatest moments of self-love have been showing up for myself around others, there are some things you can’t learn alone. An element of getting out there has to happen to allow yourself to flourish. Everything in life is a balance.
“... another vital aspect of self-esteem, ‘self-assertiveness,’ defined by Branden as “the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all human encounters.””
Self-love and self-esteem can feel like elusive words, how can I work on it if I don’t know what it is? Where do I start? Well books like this may be a good starting point alongside other things, such as therapy etc. Self-love and self-esteem looks different for everyone (I wrote a little about this here if you wanted to read more). There are no answers I can give you apart from to let you know that you are not alone, this is a journey I have been on and I am still on. I actively work towards treating myself in the way I expect to be treated by all those who I allow to have access to me, whatever relationship they have with me. It is a continuous lesson I am learning.
“One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others.”
Another note on self-love and something that this book made me feel… yes it is important to work on yourself but don’t shut yourself off to love for some magical day or moment in time you think you will be; healed enough, worthy or ready. You are worthy of love just as you are, healing has no end we will always be healing and learning about ourselves. There is no time you are ready - it is always scary. You are so deserving of love as you are, at this exact moment in time. The work continues regardless.
“Usually we imagine that true love will be intensely pleasurable and romantic, full of love and light. In truth, love is all about work.”
Theme 3 - on being yourself
I started reading this book after weeks of my TikTok (fucks sake again with the TikToks) sending me endless tarot card readings and ‘dating rules’ videos. These ‘dating rules’ videos were relentless, thankfully I read this book otherwise I fear I may have allowed them to permeate my brain.
These videos had me wondering if my natural state of quick response times to texts was going to sabotage me. Would I be relegated to a life devoid of love because I reply to all modes of communication quickly? Even if we used carrier pigeons mine would be working overtime, the poor thing, flying back and forth with my silly little messages. I have always been like this, was I prepared to go against my nature for the sake of what appeared to be a game with rules? The answer is no.
When reading this book, being yourself is a message that kept coming up. When you go into love being anything other than yourself, it is a façade that can’t be kept up. I don’t know if the book intended for me to finish reading and be more committed to showing up as myself, unapologetically from day one in all my relationships. But this is the conclusion I have taken. Obviously when on a first date they don’t need to know about my fascination with moths, or maybe they do, I will report back on that.
“We all know that the usual approach is to meet someone we like and put our best self forward, or even at times a false self, one we believe will be more appealing to the person we want to attract.”
If you want to know more about being yourself especially with people you want to attract - once again this book is for you.
Key theme 4 - community
A passion of mine is the concept of alone vs being lonely - read all about it here. I am passionate about doing things alone but I am also passionate about my ‘community’ - my friends, my family, the people that pop into my life. The more I have been on this healing journey and learned more about myself and others, the more I want to connect with people.
We are not meant to live in isolation, throughout this book - notes and thoughts about community and connection prevail. What connection and community mean to you will be personal, amongst other things this book talks to connection with love and yourself.
“Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.”
Theme 5 - love and risk
“As long as we are afraid to risk we cannot know love.”
Please no - I don’t want to take risks when it comes to love. I don’t want to risk unreciprocated effort, I don’t want to put myself in a place to be hurt (what in the avoidant behaviour) and I don’t want to be ghosted… I would rather have an actual haunting.
But saying all that… through reading this book I realised that all the above, and beyond this small list, are the risks you take for love. You don’t get to love without the risk. Every other risk in my life feels easy, I am confident - but when it comes to matters of the heart, it is scary.
“The place of love offers no place of safety. We risk loss, hurt, pain. We risk being acted upon by forces outside our control.”
Whilst reading I came across many interesting theories regarding love that I hadn’t heard before; true love vs love, heart connection vs soul connection. I won’t go into these, you can find them in Chapter 10.
What I shall be doing as a result of this book is; continuing to do the work, start taking risks in love and know whatever comes my way; it might be wonderful, it might hurt, there may be hauntings - all that really matters is how I navigate it.
Conclusive thoughts
“The light of love is always in us, no matter how cold the flame.”
Go buy the book, I can’t lend you mine there are too many notes. Read the book. Underline sentences that resonate. Reflect. Speak to the people in your life about what you learned, maybe leave a copy at your parent’s house. Reflect and look at your relationship with love itself.
This ended up being over 2,300 words, this speaks to how this book impacted me… if you made it this far do you want to hear about the moths?
Speak soon!
Ms ASK