The 14th February
We are not going with the dictionary definition of love in this story, as when I looked up the dictionary definition I decided that there is no way to really encapsulate the feeling of love into a single word. Instead here is a list of languages I know the word for love in; Love, αγάπη, caru, 사랑 (last one is due to my obscene levels of K-Drama watching the past year).
Since mid-January, the supermarkets started with their Valentine’s day displays. I am getting emails sending me gift/ card suggestions – it is all aimed towards having a partner. Whether you are happily single, not so happy to be single, single and ready to flamingle, not single - valentine’s day is for all of us.
Love comes in so many more forms than just romantic – family, friends, your pet when you are holding a treat in your hand. We love and are loved in many ways. Romantic love is not the most important – in fact the love you show yourself is.
Here comes the historian within, Valentine’s day can be traced back to the Romans – this is the best summary I have seen online as to the history of Valentine’s day - Valentine’s Day | Definition, History, & Traditions | Britannica. There were some terms I came across in my research that I wasn’t expecting to see, for example nothing prepared me for the word spanking come up so much … National Geographic.
Anyway, from my research there seems to be no linear historical path as to how we got to the Valentine’s Day of today. What is clear, is that today celebrations are expressed via – flowers, dinners, cards and gifts. Its focus is those in romantic love… Here is your reminder that the 14th February is just another day (and for the record do all these things all year round, do them for yourself too – we don’t need to wait for one day).
A bit of background, I am single by choice. Reflecting on my life I was alarmed to discover that I started dating in my teens and romantic love ended up being a focal part of my life until I was 30. I was never happy to be single. If I was single on Valentine’s day I took the whole day personally. That mindset has been truly placed in the BIN. I have been single for 2 years and through being so I have realised that love is everywhere. We lose sight of that when we focus on only romantic love. Love is in the little moments, like when a friend checks in with you and the moments you put yourself first.
I can only write from my current experience (also from the perspective of being 30(ish)). To note that you don’t have to be single to make the discoveries below or any beyond this list - this is just the journey I needed to go on for myself because of the cycles I was in and how I was feeling.
Here are 8 things I have discovered since being single and focusing on things other than romantic love;
No 1. The love I have for myself
This is still something I am learning and shit*ing hell it is a daily, conscious thing I have to do – knowing the more I show myself love the more unconscious the acts of self-love will get. Tapping into my inner voice and realising it was a bit of a sh*thead started this process.
Self-love is almost impossible to distil. For me it is - in the words you use towards yourself, the way you treat your mind and body, the boundaries you set, the healing you do… honestly the list is endless. I am still learning every day, but even so, the amount of love I now am able to show myself is more than I could ever have imagined – what a discovery that was.
No 2. Friendships
My beautiful friends are a core part of my life. I love my friends, and for the first time in my life I have allowed myself to be loved back (whilst not feeling like I am undeserving of it). I spent many years being intensely scared of people, even those who gave me no reason to be. The discovery here is – as with all relationships you can give love but also you need to know that you are worthy, with every molecule of your being, of receiving love back.
It is also important that you maintain friendships that are good for you – as is the case with romantic relationships – it is ok to not allow people access to you, to outgrow people and to put yourself first.
No 3. Individuality
All that time prioritising romantic love I have claimed back for myself, which means that I had to actually figure out who I was outside of a relationship. Trial and error – stepping outside of my comfort zone and having the time to do so - meant I have discovered amongst many other things;
I like kickboxing (who would have THOUGHT)
I am a good problem solver
I love self-development and working with a coach
I like a minimalist home but I do not like a minimalist look (pass me those lobster earrings)
I may always have the burning desire to dye my hair black at any given time
I love live music
I love moths, shrimp, jellyfish, butterflies, the moon, stars, art, music and I indulge however long I want into looking / researching these things
I am more like the child version of myself than I thought – a cute pen, collecting shells… brings me so much joy
I am an introvert and that is ok
I don’t have to be a good dancer to dance
I feel everything deeply and that is not a bad thing.
Outside of seeking validation, romantic love and having to prioritise anyone outside of myself I moved from a place of not knowing who I am to a place of knowing the basics and understanding there is no end to knowing. The search of ‘self’ does not have an end, it is about finding the things that bring you joy where you are and knowing you are deserving of these things. Everything changes and so do we all – that is the beauty of life.
No 4. Healing
My healing and that journey has no endpoint which is beautiful (as the potential is limitless) and also ‘blo*dy hell let’s have a day off’. Being alone, sitting with myself and my feelings made me realise a cacophony of sh*t that needed to be worked on. I wanted to break certain cycles and heal certain wounds alone. Personally this journey could only be taken alone (outside of a romantic relationship) it was a good decision for me. But this is to note you can do this work in or out of a romantic relationship – it is all personal circumstance. Just remember no matter how you are feeling the most important relationship that you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.
No 5. Selfish-ness
I have, it turns out, never truly put myself (well… without feeling bad about it). It was like learning a new language – learning how to set a boundary. It is amazing to realise you can do anything. Sometimes it is just us standing in our own way. I have been reclaiming what I think the word selfish means and for now it means focusing on myself, after so many years of focusing on others. The first step can be as small as saying no to plans you don’t want to go to – and not over explaining or apologising. The more you stand up for what you want the easier it gets.
No 6. Comfort zone
What had become my comfortable was uncomfortable. My comfort zone seemed to be a cycle of heartbreak, looking back I was breaking my own little heart through the choices I was making. Now living outside of my comfort zone is not being uncomfortable - it is living on the boundary of what I think I can do vs what I can prove to myself I can do. I can tell you now I have proved to myself I can do so much more than I think I am able to. The more facts and examples I can show myself the bigger the step outside of my comfort zone gets.
No 7. Self-love beyond possessions
It is easy to equate self-love to buying things. I used to buy things as an act of ‘self-love’ not really realising it was probably just the opposite. The result being clothes, objects – things that just accumulated. They did not actually bring me happiness beyond the moment of buying, they didn’t improve my self-worth and they were a reminder of me placing my self-worth outside of myself.
That top, that car, that new hair colour isn’t going to help how you are feeling long term. I felt great, momentarily, wearing that new item but as my self-esteem was in the depths – this just wasn’t an act of self-love. I have written about non-material investments in my story The investment. In summary a non-material investment could be investing in; therapy, a life coach, being active, time being in nature, journaling… the list is endless.
No 8. The now
As life changes I may never have the joy of living the way that I do now - I do whatever I want, when I want. I pour my time into hobbies with whatever intensity I feel like (my gardening phase in the summer being the most productive – the current phase of drawing and researching moths is less productive but I am going with it). Feeling gratitude for the now is a conscious thing that is gradually becoming less conscious for me. Staying in the now also helps me with being present and not thinking about the past or worrying about the future – two things that are completely outside of my control.
Whatever feelings the 14th February brings you remember;
Love starts with you. The most important person for you to love is yourself.
The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.
Love is all around you, in your family, friendships, and ways you show up for yourself.
Nothing stays the same – if you are feeling less than ok at the moment, this feeling will pass.
Healing isn’t linear – it has no end point. You don’t have to be in a romantic relationship or not to heal.
You are worthy of love as you are.
You are the only person who can make a change for yourself.
What brings you joy? Follow the small (and big) moments that light you up with joy.
Valentine’s day is just that – a day. However you are spending the day, you spend every single day with yourself. You probably shower those around you with kindness, support and love. When was the last time that you showed yourself love and care?
This story has the thread of love running through it, but it has mainly been my ramblings. Have a good 14th February, actually have a great day every day. Remember that love starts with you and you DESERVE AND ARE WORTHY OF EVERY DROP OF LOVE.
Speak soon!
Ms ASK
P.S. As I always say, I am not an expert in anything, I write from nowhere but my personal experience and opinion. If you are ever concerned about your mental or physical health reach out to a professional and your support system, Helplines and listening services - Mind.
P.P.S. Here is a picture of a shell I found that looks like a little heart.
